There are times when one wishes to look behind, for there is much to learn about yourself and others. However, focusing so much on your past that it remains there and should be forgotten can be a very bad thing.
Living too much in your past, but not learning from it, may cause one to relive it. Learning from your past will help you to live in the now and for the future.
In the last few months I’ve gotten to know a young woman named Jana. She and I have talked in-depth about past relationships, on both sides.
She has a way of approaching relationships that I had never considered before really. Interesting how sometimes it just takes that one person to open your eyes.
She has the approach of getting to know someone for a year at least before really considering them as more than friends. At first most people would think “Well, that’s a LONG time. Most people do that after 3 dates, if that.” Obviously, everyone is different and different methods work for different people.
She once asked me, if I had known my last two girlfriends a year BEFORE committing to a relationship with them, would I still have done it? I had to answer no. I thought about it and…never thought about that before she asked that. There are things I knew a year into it, that had I known early on, I would have disliked, and not just minor things, for me anyway. It’s a very interesting question, really.
I mean no one can know what WILL happen, but sometimes you think you know someone but you really don’t until later, and you’re already together, and it’s something that you didn’t even consider or thought was ok. For me, it was minor things to others but it left me very unsatisfied.
I like to write. I mean I don’t update this blog very often, but I DO write and enjoy it. There’s nothing more than for someone to read it, or listen to it, and say “You did well,” or even “You know, that could be fixed.” I didn’t feel any sort of appreciation for my stories in my last relationship. It hurt more than just a friend because the person you’re with you want to appreciate or at least take some interest. I got neither, unless it was small poem or something about her, then yeah. My other stories, not a peep. So I knew that I wanted that in whatever relationship/s that followed after she and I broke up.
It may sound strange, but I never KNEW I needed that. Perhaps because everyone else I talked to seemed to LOVE my stories. Even she said she liked how I wrote but….never my stories. They aren’t super long, they wouldn’t have taken that long to get through…and yet…nothing. Well, not again. I think getting to know someone a good long time before entering a relationship is a darn good idea, and well, I’ve lived through what happens if you don’t. I could have saved myself some heartache.
Alas, the past IS the past, I can do nothing to CHANGE that, but I can learn from it. One major thing I take away from those past relationships is this – I know more and more what I want and need. I know what was missing, and when it’s filled. Sometimes it just takes a lot of heartbreak to find the person who can help put it together again for you.
I’ve also learned that going by emotions alone is a horrible idea. You can be swept up in all the emotions but never see “What DO you really have in common?” Emotions can make you blind. Really blind. I look back and remember when I got out of my last relationship I felt like I had come out of a hypnotic state. I vowed to never do that again. I was too eager, and it was huge mistake. Emotions are PART of love, but never love in and of itself.
So, what then? What is love? True love is finding that person with a REAL connection to you. It goes beyond just “Oh wow it’s him/her” and goes into “Wow, I can’t believe how just alike we are.” THAT should be the basis of a relationship. It’s easy to want to jump in, as I’ve said, but ask yourself, again, what if you knew that person a YEAR? Shrug off all the emotions as being the prominent part of the idea of love, and focus on what you two REALLY have together.
For example, are you able to agree to disagree readily? Are there things the other person enjoys, that perhaps you don’t or even you don’t buy into but you can live with it? Obviously every couple or possible couple has disagreements and dislikes. You’ll never both like EVERYTHING exactly, but think about what is important. Perhaps make a list right now and think “What is something that if they didn’t like or appreciate that I just couldn’t deal with?”
How many people do that? I didn’t, but I wish I did. I wish I thought of that. I wish I knew what I knew now, but maybe without it HAPPENING, I couldn’t have. Still, as I Said, holding onto that past and letting go and learning are different things. Let it go before it ruins you.
Another thing is don’t rely on the other person to always make you happy. People will always disappoint, even the person you love. There will be times when you can barely talk to one another, slamming doors and yelling (though I hope you are able to discuss things in a much more mature way). In those times, neither of you are happy and you’re not happy because, perhaps, of the other person. I hope you can come together and get back to where it was before, but it can be slow sometimes to fully take hold, but forgive.
One of my friends once gave some good relationship advice “Be gracious to one another”. Remember that the other person isn’t perfect, they’re going to mess up, sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes it could be something they said that you were offended, or may it’s what they DIDN’T say. Not saying you don’t have the right to be upset, and I wouldn’t blame you for being so, but just keep in mind that YOU probably did the same thing or will. You’re human, so are they. Talk about it. Work it out and like before, forgive. Be gracious, show grace to them. If there’s an issue, work it out, talk it out. Slamming doors or not speaking – the problem is STILL there. TALK to each other.
That’s another thing – Communication. Sadly for some couples, the relationship is most about something that’s not about talking or if so, it’s yelling, abusive. Some it’s just sex, but really no communication there either (it’s just the truth). My view is you should communicate in all things. You should be comfortable enough with the other person to just SAY what you think, and not think you have to say what they WANT To hear or do what they WANT to do just be in their ‘good graces’. You can communicate freely, and understand the other person’s opinions without being so upset about it. It CAN be done.
Even in something, and here kids cover your eyes, in sex you can communicate, and I don’t mean the typical things you probably think during sex (I hope I don’t need to explain that), but really helping each other be better at what they’re doing, help the experience be better for one another. Sex is an extent of love, or should be, and communication is very important here as well.
There of course is one of the bigger ones – finding someone who loves you for who you are as a person. Basically the things I mentioned above covers a lot of that idea. Some relationships can be very shallow. What you think is love, is just an emotional high that dies as soon as you realize that that’s all there is. The sooner you think about what you really have together, the connection, the communication, everything, the sooner you can really figure out what it really is.
Looks aren’t everything. Talents aren’t everything. Sure he’s 6′ tall and can play a guitar, but he’s a total jerk. I’ve known relationships that were like that in some ways. Even when they got married, the person never changed, because the change is in the heart and mind, and not whether they’re married or not. Sometimes it’s the short, socially awkward, nerdy guy who is really the true guy, and it’s not to say that tall guys who play guitars or play sports are all bad, far from it. Point is – don’t base everything on how a person looks, or what they do. Base it on who they are. If you grow old together, his personality will remain but his looks obviously will change. Many good men and women get overlooked for the others because of this, and that’s the world that says “You must look like this” or “You must dress like this”. Ignore the world, it’s a messed up place, and the person you may want to be with could be right there, but overlooked because of his or her looks, or because they have a certain hobby or whatever.
Well, you remember Jana, the one I spoke to about all of this? Well, I have to say that she really fits into everything I said here and more. We’ve been talking for a few months, and really have a connection that I can’t explain. Others have seen it, even without knowing anything they picked up on it. We have our jinxes, we think the same way of almost everything, and the things we don’t we agree to disagree.
I’m honest here now, I’ve not felt something like THAT before. This feels REAL. Unlike anything I have dealt with before. At first it was very strange, we even both said “This isn’t normal”. We can talk on a chat for hours without tiring of one another, or on skype for over 6 HOURS and not wanting to leave. That’s 6 hours STRAIGHT in one day. What do we talk about? Everything. Anything. We just have FUN with each other, and that’s so important.
She even listened to me READING A story to her one day over skype for an hour. She loves to draw, and she felt comfortable enough to draw while I read. I felt actually very happy about that. Not everyone would be comfortable with that, and she WAS listening. I could see her in my little window off to the side as I read. She smiled, laughed…cried. It was quite the experience, and we wouldn’t mind reading again. I loved finding someone who APPRECIATES and ENJOYS the things I write. She’s very creative herself, as I said, she loves to draw and she’s VERY talented and good at it.
Gosh, we have so much fun. We can laugh at the silliest things and we just get it and we’re not tired of it. I don’t think I ever could be. It’s also amazing how comfortable we are together. We both can just tell the other ANYTHING and be comfortable. Maybe a bit shy about it, but comfortable. It’s really wonderful to find someone like that. I can just be ME and she can be HER.
Another thing I love about her is her love of the works of Tolkien. I’m a HUGE LOTR fan. We met on a LOTR chat. It sounds so nerdy, and I guess it is, but I always prayed for someone to come along that would love LOTR. Being nerdy and geeky to some is just silly, and worthless…but to me, it’s important. I really treasure the works of Tolkien. He was an inspiration of beginning to write in the first place. With Jana, I can just talk about it and she gets it completely. She LOVES LOTR. She loves The Hobbit. She loves Tolkien. It’s so freeing to just talk about it and someone GETS IT. She even wouldn’t mind watching all 3 LOTR Extended Editions with me! For those who don’t know, that’s about 12 HOURS and if we did a marathon…well goodness. Not everyone would agree to that or would consider it boring if they did. Not us. Oreos and LOTR (and milk with the oreos for her) – not a bad combination.
Another thing I love is being able to WRITE a story with her. I tried that before – it turned into THEIR story and it just felt empty. I wasn’t enjoying it. I thought I would never enjoy writing a story with someone after THAT. I mean, contrasting ideas and writing styles…nope not going to work. Then…well, you guessed it no doubt, Jana and I began to write stories over the chat. It’s really fun, and we actually WORK TOGETHER to make the story better. She has ideas, I have ideas, if some ideas may not work we talk it out and try to figure out what CAN work. It’s so enjoyable to write with someone else that just wants to not take over, but write as a team. It’s so much better than writing by yourself as well, I must say. It’s fun, can be serious, and it has even expanded my horizons as far as story telling and character writing.
Also, we don’t plan out every step together – so much of it is improv and neither of us know what the other is going to say next which keeps you on your toes. Very enjoyable.
I LOVE writing stories with her. I love doing anything with her really. I love just talking to and with her. Some people would probably think I’d be bored of talking to someone almost all day long, but never with her, as I’ve said. When she’s not there, it doesn’t feel the same. I miss her. I look forward to just talking to her everyday. She is the highlight of my day, really.
I don’t know what’s going to happen for sure in the future with Jana and I, but I will say I’ve TRULY never met anyone I’ve enjoyed being around so much, that shares so much of what I like and appreciates it and I can just have fun with. We have so much in common it’s pretty crazy, but in a great way. I could really just talk to her all day and I don’t think I’d ever get tired of it. I think even if we were to not say a thing with each other, we’d still have a wonderful time together. I do really believe that.
I know this has been long, but also it needed to be said. I feel great saying it too. I could go on and on about Jana, but needless to say she’s an amazing person that I’m so thankful to have met. She’s really everything I hoped to find in a girl. She really is. A needle in a haystack really, one of a kind.
That all said, I’m always in wonder about finding someone like her. Whether we remain best friends or perhaps more, it’s amazing to meet someone that’s so much like me and I can’t wait to see what happens, for this is part of my story now, each day a new chapter, unsure from one thing to the next, but right now, this chapter is very good and I hope that it’ll just continue to get better and Jana has been the main reason for that. I can’t help but smile when I think of her.
Alright well, I’m sure some people out there would be bored of it, and I keep going on, but that’s ok. I could go on, but I won’t, not now. What I said is what I really think. Some things have changed in my way of thinking, but for the best, and there’s one person who really helped me in thinking them and that’s Jana.
So thank you, Jana, for helping me see things differently in a way I never have before, and for being you.