Last Saturday, Jana went on vacation with her mom for about a week I had woken up early the day of her departure to see her off, to get to chat with her a bit before she did indeed leave.
Have you ever missed someone and gotten sad over their leaving, or yours, well before it even happened? I did. I knew she would be having what I hoped would be a very relaxed vacation, but still, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t missing her.
These past few months have just been wonderful, to say the least. We talk day in and day out, never tire of each other, in fact we can’t seem to get enough. I knew her being gone, even if it was just a few days, would mean not having that regular fellowship with her that we have had. I kept in mind that she would be having fun, relaxing, just enjoying her time away from it all, and praying every day, throughout the day, that she and her mom would be safe, would come home safe.
I never doubted how much she means to me, but things like this, even a 2 day power outage before, really remind me how much I really need her in my life. She has brought a true sense of joy and renewed hope to my life, to me, and I don’t ever want to be without it, to be without her there.
After we said our goodbyes and she left, I could do nothing but cry for a bit. Even just saying the goodbyes made me emotional. As I told her, I was missing her before she had even left, and it was true, and then she was really gone, and well, the missing didn’t stop.
While I’ve occupied myself with writing, watching some shows I hadn’t seen before, taking walks in the morning, even going to a small get-together with some friends that same night, nothing ever took my mind off of her. That shouldn’t be so shocking, and to me it isn’t. There has not been a single moment where I think, “Oh good, she’s finally gone!!”
No, there is just, “I hope she’s safe. I hope she’s having fun. Come back to me, safely, Jana.”
In fact, every night at about 8 my time, an average time when she would be heading to sleep, I would stand at one of my bedroom windows, and look out, speaking out loud a goodnight to her, though I know she couldn’t hear me. I really missed saying goodnight to her and knowing she saw what I typed, or even heard what I said. Still, I couldn’t go to bed not saying goodnight in some ways, in fact I sent her some emails throughout the week, just to communicate with her.
She did get on twice during the week at an internet cafe for about an hour each time. Each time I saw her name appear, I rejoiced, and my heart beat faster. I even felt a bit like crying, out of joy, for seeing her safe, seeing her there, being able to speak with her even for a little bit. It really made me so very happy to see her on.
Even those times never seemed enough. I know, an hour seems such a long time, but the truth is I could talk with her all day, if time and sleep allowed it, and I’d never tire. I just love talking with her, even if it’s something very silly. It went by so fast, and I longed for more. I was glad more than anything though that she was SAFE.
Above all other prayers and thoughts I had throughout the days, her safety was and is and always will be the most important thing. I also, of course, prayed that she would have a good time. That she would find peace, and be able to relax. Something I’ve told her, and this is true, that above anything I would want in this world, is that she would and will be happy.
It IS such a cruel world often, isn’t it? Now though, she could be relaxing, and just being at peace, forgetting the world…but I know she didn’t forget me.
It is not strange that either of us would think of each other, especially apart, regardless of if it is a vacation or not. Still, during this past week I’ve noticed how, well, empty it is without her. I really have missed her. I’ve been counting down the days, even the hours, until she gets back. As I type this now, I still wait, hoping she’ll show up soon, just to let me know she is safe. It would ease my mind for sure.
I mean, even being somewhere like getting something to eat or going to the store, I would miss her, but this was even more of that missing feeling, her being gone. Taking walks, I would imagine her with me, and it was saddening to wake up and not have “Jana Time”, as I call it, as our usual time of getting on.
Even typing this now, I get a bit emotional, thinking of really how much she means to me, beyond all others in fact.
Last night, she returned at last, a bit late for her plane had been delayed, but she was safe. I gladly waited for her, not wishing to sleep until I knew for sure. Until she had gotten on, I got a bit worried but I reminded myself planes get delayed and all, and thankfully, she did come back.
How did it feel to see her again? To talk to her again? Beyond all words, but I shall try my best to put it into words. Like the other times, my heart rejoiced, and I felt very emotional. I wanted to hug her so much, never letting go. My soulmate was back, my other half, and I felt so much her absence this past week.
We talked long into the night on Skype, and for her it was well into the morning. I’m very much even now trying to find words to explain how it felt to be back, but it’s difficult. None of them really do it justice.
Rejoicing, works well enough for a beginning. Relieved – that she was safe. Gosh even typing these words, I can just feel they don’t explain it well enough so I will just explain how it DID feel overall.
She was safe, and that was the most important part of it. It felt really just, well, right, to be back with her again. I missed her so much, really, and if you tire of me saying this, well, too bad because I can’t help but saying it.
I’ve never even met her in person, yet I feel closer to her than anyone else in my life, ever. We trust each other with everything, we care about each other, and gosh I am going to cry just typing this, really. So how could I NOT have missed her like that? How could I NOT have been concerned for her safety? How could I NOT have been waiting for her, been willing to wait as long as it took…just to see her when she got back?
The answer to all of those is there is no way, not for a second, that I couldn’t, that I wouldn’t, have done those things. Jana is very special to me. It is my belief that she is really the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world. We’ve grown so close in the last months, have a connection that goes beyond anything either of us have experienced before, and well, you feel the vacuum, the emptiness of being without that person when they’re not there. It is not a “ah well, she’s gone, I’m sure she’ll be fine. I mean, she’s back in a week.” No, if someone means that much to you, they’re on your mind even if they’re there, and when they’re gone, they’re REALLY on your mind, every moment wondering if they’re safe, if they’re having fun, if they’re happy. You wonder what they’re up to, you wish, you LONG to talk with them even for a moment…and that’s how it was.
I know I keep jumping between missing her and her being back, and if that’s confusing, I’m sorry but I just NEED to say these things, to explain better why the rejoicing of her return was so wonderful.
When I heard her voice again, it really was the most beautiful sound I had heard, for it was her voice, and I had missed it. Seeing her beautiful face again and her smile, well, gosh I REALLY can’t find the words for that. I’m sitting here, staring at the screen and thinking of all the words, but nothing comes close. Rejoiced is always the word that I come back to, I guess. I still don’t think it quite does it the justice it deserves.
Even though we were both dead tired, I think it’s safe to say we both would have gladly gone on talking forever and ever if tiredness and time were not a factor. I mean, I wanted to keep going, but my eyes were starting to just close by themselves. So, we both went to bed.
In conclusion, I must say that, and she would agree to this, this past week we really realized, and how could we not, how much we really need each other. How, in many ways, empty it is without the other. For me, it was like a dark hole that was constantly there, showing an emptiness and when she came back, the hole was patched up.
We both agree that when we do meet, it’s going to be really wonderful because we both have the same wavelength, neither of us will get upset at the other, we respect each other, honor each other, care genuinely about the other, miss each other, value each other, cherish each other, and never for once take the other for granted.
There are some out there who will never find these things with another person, especially not all of them…yet in and with Jana, I have. Is that not a wonder and an amazement? How could any take it for granted? I would ask any reading it to think upon their own life, and yes, upon your relationships and ask if you have someone like that, that has all those things and more? If you do, count yourself blessed and fortunate, for it is rare, and very very special.
In this last bit, I wish to address Jana directly, for I know she is reading this:
Jana, I hope what you read here today gave you great joy. As I said, these past months, I’ve grown closer to you than anyone else in all my years. Funny, isn’t it? In less than a year, you’ve become my best friend, my soulmate, and other half, and what the future holds still, we will see in time. Always know that you are, as I said – cherished, valued, respected, honored, cared about and for, missed when you’re not there, never, not for a moment, taken for granted, and yes, you are loved.
And these things will always be.
I know when we meet, it will be very relaxed. I know, that the fun we have on the internet will just be so much more in person, whether we’re off at the zoo, or just sitting around reading a book or heck, watching paint dry. We’d find a way to make it fun, to make it enjoyable, although to be honest, I think just being with you is going to be enjoyable. It IS enjoyable already.
So, Jana, I am glad, so very glad to see you back home. To see you safe. To talk to you as we always have. I sure did miss you, and I could say that over and over, because it is very true. Just seeing you again was, well, the happiest I have been all week. Gosh, I keep going on and on about you, but what can I say? That’s how it is. I can’t really help it.
So, I will end this blog now with this – May every day have you in it, may every moment be of a thought of you, for you make me smile, make me happy, you’re always there for me, we have so much fun together, and I’ve never met anyone like you. So, welcome back, Jana…I missed you.